


What If

by lalaimnida



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, bestfriends kaisoo, kaistal - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 00:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20322331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalaimnida/pseuds/lalaimnida
Summary: If one would look closely, there were three kinds of pair of eyes in the hallway.First, there was a pair of eyes, staring into another pair with full of love and adoration. This pair has the most mesmerizing eyes – deep, brown orbs that crinkle into crescents as its owner smiles sincerely. This gorgeous pair belongs to Kim Jongin.Second, this pair of eyes stares at Jongin’s with equal amount of affection. Along with perfectly-made eyebrows and curled eyelashes, this pair makes its owner a stunner, who is no other than the lovely Krystal Jung.And lastly, there was a pair of eyes, staring at the first two from a distance. Out of the three, this would be the most attractive pair – big, doe eyes which spells innocence and sincerity. But its beauty is not real because it mirrors sorrow, regret, bitterness and jealousy. Because these were what the owner, Do Kyungsoo, is feeling.





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. This is my first time to publish my work here in AO3 after so many years of being into K-Pop and writing fanfics for years already. I hope you give it lots of love (and patience since I suck at writing and proofreading). This means a lot to me not just because this is about my beloved ship Kaisoo but it took me more than 2 years to finish this after struggling with laziness and writer's block. :((
> 
> Just want to give a few things to remember before you go on and read my lame work:  
1\. I wrote this fic to express what I felt when Jongin was confirmed to be dating Krystal. But that does not mean this is a way for me to manifest hate. I am, or was, happy for Jongin. I love that big bear so much I just want him to be happy even with someone else. But my heart still got hurt my dear Kaisoo. I'm a trash for that OTP so much :(  
2\. This fic is based on EXO's What If (시선 둘, 시선 하나) from their EXODUS album. That song is so beautiful as well as its lyrics. The lyrics suit perfectly with this fic so I patterned some of the lyrics to a few parts. I suggest you familiariaze yourself with its translation and put What If on repeat to fully immerse yourself *wink wink*  
3\. Please excuse the grammatical errors. I'm such a lazy ass to proofread this. 
> 
> 잘 부탁드립니다! Please let me know what you think on the comments. Luvyu!!!

> The two eyes looking at each other  
The one remaining pair of eyes, the lost eyes  
The two eyes, tightly shut  
The eyes that are too late, the eyes that lost you
> 
> \- What If, Exo

Kyungsoo is really trying. Heaven knows how much effort he is exerting so as not to look. But he just cannot help it.

Even before he knows it, he slightly moves the door of his locker and turns his head to see two figures a few meters away. His hearts constricts, knowing those are Jongin and Krystal, looking so happy, so in love.

His eyes fix on Jongin, who is currently laughing his head off after whatever Krystal whispered to him. Normally, Kyungsoo loves it when Jongin is laughing or smiling because the latter is genuinely happy whenever he does. It is the older’s favorite sight especially if he is the reason behind it. However, right now, it is still beautiful to see but also saddening, since Jongin is happy because of someone else, not him.

Kyungsoo then shifts his bitter gaze on that someone else, Krystal Jung. Everyone adores her and Kyungsoo cannot help but to get jealous. She is pretty and charming. She is everything he isn’t. And now that she has Jongin, too, he knows he has the right to despise her every being but he just can’t. He tries to hate her and hell, he really does, but because she makes Jongin smile like an angel, Kyungsoo just surrenders in doing so.

He tears his gaze away and it lands on the calendar on his locker door. There was a particular date, encircled using a red marker. Kyungsoo smiles bitterly as he remembers it, his D-Day. It was April 1st, the day he planned to confess to Jongin.

And the day he got his heart broken.

***

It was D-Day.

Kyungsoo was in the midst of practicing his confession to Jongin. It took him a year to make up his mind whether he should tell the latter that he is in love with him since heaven knows when. After a couple of encouragements, or should he say, rants from Baekhyun, saying that he is such a chicken for being too afraid to confess, and also a few help from Joonmyeon, Kyungsoo finally found enough courage and nerves to make a move.

And there he goes, looking into the small mirror of his locker, mumbling to himself the words which he found hard to choose and which he rehearsed every night. 

“Jongin, listen to me. I have liked you for a long time now. You have the most beautiful smile, the cutest laugh, the--”

“Kyungsoo hyung!”

With his name being called by no other than Kim Jongin himself, Kyungsoo turns his head to see the tan male walking towards his direction with a smile on his face and Krystal Jung holding his hand.

_What? Why is Krystal Jung with Jongin?_

_Are they-- No. It can’t be._

“Hyung. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Jongin says. He is a little out of breath but the smile on his face cannot hide the fact that he is relieved to finally found Kyungsoo.

The older can only nod. He misses the point that Jongin was looking for him. It used to make him smile, knowing that when the younger looks for him, he feels important. But, right now, he cannot seem to focus as he absentmindedly stares at Jongin and Krystal in front of him.

Jongin snaps him out of his thoughts. “Hyung, I need to tell you something.” His voice sounds excited, as if he is dying to tell Kyungsoo what he wanted to tell.

“What is it?” Kyungsoo asks, even though he thinks he already knows the answer. But still, he hopes. He hopes that he is wrong – that Krystal is only with Jongin because of school. Maybe they are just groupmates for a project they need to work on or they are partners for a performance in the upcoming program.

He is hoping that Jongin would not say it because he does not know if he can take it.

However, all of his hopes fell down the drain as he sees the two look at each other lovingly. Jongin then takes Krystal’s hand and brings it to his lips before facing his hyung and proudly saying, “Krystal and I are together now.” 

Kyungsoo clearly heard what the younger said but he can also hear and feel his heart shattering into tiny pieces. His breath starts to increase. His throat feels dry. His eyes begin to well up with tears.

He is breaking and dying inside but he managed to curl his lips into a smile. “Congratulations to the both of you.” He tells to the couple while examining them with his big, doe and now, lost eyes.

“Thank you, Hyung.”

“Thank you, Oppa.”

Jongin and Krystal said in unison, which made them look at each other again before bursting into laughter. 

Both of them found it amusing that they immediately cracked up but it made Kyungsoo suffer even more inside.

“You two are so perfect for each other that you can now say words in chorus.” Kyungsoo jokes, making him chuckle a bit, not because of his own joke. He is making a fool of himself. “But seriously guys, I’m happy for the both of you.” 

As much as he does not want to do it, he then shifts his gaze to the tan male, who is looking at him with gratitude and happiness. “I’m happy for you, Jongin.”

Kyungsoo tries his best to sound sincere. As much as it hurts, there is a small part of him that he meant his words. But spitting out those words is pure torture to his heart because deep inside, he is anything but happy. He is in pain.

“I hope you guys last.” He says while staring at Jongin with eyes that are too late.

The eyes that lost him.

***

As he is transported back to reality, Kyungsoo brings back his gaze on the tan male. He does not know what to feel when he looks at Jongin.

He is hurt. To see him with somebody else makes his heart broken into millions of pieces.

He is angry. He wanted to loathe both Jongin and Krystal – Jongin for not realizing his feelings and Krystal who is a big hindrance for them to be together.

He is jealous. He could see how happy Jongin is with Krystal. Heaven knows how much Kyungsoo wanted to take her place because he knows he can do so much better.

Lastly, he is sorry. He is sorry for Jongin. The tan male does not deserve any of the negative feelings Kyungsoo have for him - the pain, the anger, the jealousy. 

Kyungsoo is also sorry for himself. Even if he knows it will only bring pain, he cannot take his eyes off of Jongin. It is pure punishment but he continues to do such thing. So here he is, still looking at Jongin with nothing but sorry eyes. He sees the couple look at each other before leaning in for what seems to be a quick kiss.

Thanks to the remaining sane part of his being, Kyungsoo chose to break away his gaze to prevent himself from further pain. He shuts his locker, turns to his heel and walks away. He just needs to get away from there. Although he felt a little tempted to peek again, he keeps his eyes glued on the ground.

His pair of eyes that is now filled with tears. His pair of eyes that have lost its way.

***

Byun Baekhyun is known for his loud mouth. Everybody knows him as the kid who never shuts up. From expressing snarky comments to someone he hates to making irritating complains if things do not go on his way, he uses his mouth in every way every single day.

On the other hand, today is an exception.

It seems odd that Baekhyun’s mouth is not talking just like the usual. During lunch time, he would say out loud if the food in the cafeteria is delicious or not. But today, he is just eating his food quietly.

It is because he is hurt. His heart hurts for Kyungsoo, who is sitting across him, with his yummy lunch in front of him but with attention that is a few meters away. Baekhyun does not have to look where Kyungsoo’s lonely gaze is averted to. He knows that the latter is looking at a very painful scene – Jongin and Krystal together at lunch. 

This is why he is not his usual talkative self. He feels hurt just by looking at his bestfriend getting all broken.

After what seems like forever, Kyungsoo finally takes his gaze off Jongin and starts to try to eat his lunch. Baekhyun notices that the younger’s food is one of his favorite things to eat, spaghetti, but Kyungsoo only tosses and turns his fork around the pasta.

The older carefully asks. “Aren’t you going to eat, Soo?”

“I’m not hungry.” Kyungsoo plainly replied.

“But you need to eat, Soo. You have thesis writing after this.” Baekhyun tries to console him. “You need to have energy to write the rest of your chapter 2 today.”

The younger does not respond while continuing to play with his food.

Baekhyun puts down his chopsticks to firmly hold his bestfriend’s hand. “Soo,” he softly calls. For the first time, he is having a hard time to say something. For someone who is very talkative and loud, he cannot find the right words to say.

“I-I know it’s hard,” he carefully says, not letting go of his friend’s hand. “But what about yourself, Soo?”

Hearing those words, Kyungsoo meets Baekhyun’s eyes. The latter feels his heart break even more as he looks into the younger’s eyes which are full of agony and sorrow. Kyungsoo looked vulnerable which makes Baekhyun want to do anything just to whisk him away from anything that is hurting him.

“I m-made a mistake, Baek.” Kyungsoo’s voice is shivering. “I made a mistake. I thought he felt the same for me. I thought we were more than friends.”

Baekhyun can only stay silent because he knows what his friend means. He clearly understands since he was there from the beginning. 

He was there when Kyungsoo shyly admitted to him that he has feelings for Jongin. 

He was there when Kyungsoo went to watch Jongin during his talent show. 

He was there when Kyungsoo tried to learn basketball, knowing that Jongin is a member of the team. 

He was there when Kyungsoo always cooked fried chicken for Jongin to eat because the younger loved it so much. 

He was there when Kyungsoo finally made up his mind to confess to Jongin. 

And he was there when Kyungsoo had his heart broken by Jongin.

He witnessed everything. So the fact that Kyungsoo is now blaming himself because he fell for the tan male is something Baekhyun cannot tolerate. 

Immediately, he stands from his chair and hugs his bestfriend. “It wasn’t your fault, Soo.” Baekhyun holds Kyungsoo’s head to his abdomen, shielding his almost crying face from the people inside the cafeteria.

“It was never your fault.”

And as if on cue, Kyungsoo’s tears fall.

***

Aside from the fact that he is in love with this bestfriend, Kyungsoo’s other secret is that he is into poetry. He enjoys writing poems as a hobby. Only a few people know about this and he likes to keep it that way, knowing that he will be teased about this. He is scared to be called greasy or old-fashioned because he thinks it is not normal for a guy at his age to write poems as a hobby.

So imagine his shock and fear when he stepped into the library and saw one of his friends, Luhan got his blue notebook, which contains his works. Questions like how did his hyung got his hands on it and how will he explain to the older what’s all those about filled his mind. But first, he needs to have it back. So he immediately sits beside the older and tries his luck.

“What’s this, Soo?” Luhan whispers to him, waving his notebook at his face.

Kyungsoo is about to snatch it but the older is enough to avoid his attempt. “Please give it back.”

Luhan shakes his head. “I will if you answer my question.”

The younger sighs in defeat before muttering, “My poems.” His voice is so soft because he was so embarrassed to answer, afraid that Luhan will make fun of him about it.

His hyung suddenly grins in surprise. “Oh, so you write poems now. That’s so cool. Do you mind if I read just one?”

Luhan’s questions caught him off guard. But he says no and allows the older to open his notebook and read his works.

Various emotions are now flooding Kyungsoo’s system because his secret is now within the hands of Luhan, who is currently quietly reading one of his poems. He cranes his neck to take a look on what poem Luhan chose to read. 

_Warmth. _It was the one Kyungsoo wrote after one winter night. 

Jongin accompanied him at home in a snowy day because he felt lonely, his parents out to visit his grandparents in Goyang. He could not come with them since he caught a fever because of the cold weather. He stayed at home alone but to his surprise, Jongin showed up on his doorstep with a plastic bag full of food for him to eat. Turns out, Kyungsoo’s parents asked him to look out for Kyungsoo, to which the younger happily obliged. He did a good job in taking care of his hyung.

Kyungsoo entitled it as warmth because Jongin became his warmth on that day – warmth against the weather, warmth against his fever, warmth to his heart.

He then smiles bitterly as he remembers that day.

“Wow,” Luhan blurts, making Kyungsoo snap back to reality. The older turns to him with awe on his face. “You wrote it well, Soo. Are you like Shakespeare or something?”

The younger then laughs, a little embarrassed. He is glad to hear such positive remark from his hyung even though he did not expect it.

“No, seriously, Soo. I don’t know much about poetry and stuff but I think you’re a great writer.” Luhan continues to compliment him. “You should probably apply on the school paper and have your works published.”

Kyungsoo can only stare at him. “I don’t know, hyung.”

“Come on, Kyungsoo. You’ll do great.” The older says, conviction evident on his voice. He hooks his arm around Kyungsoo’s neck so the younger can clearly listen. “Do you want me to talk to one of their editors? Maybe they have a slot on the literary team you can take.”

After hearing those words from Luhan, Kyungsoo cannot help but to feel a bit pressured. Even before this conversation, he has been thinking of joining the editorial team of their school paper. It would be great if he can have his poems published for everyone to see - especially Jongin who those poems are for. It is the only way they can indirectly reach Jongin because he does not have the courage to let the younger read them. 

But as amazing as it sounds, he feels shy and insecure. His introvert self mostly wins over his goal to have his works published. Sure, Luhan has read one and enjoyed it much to his delight but will everyone else, particularly Jongin, think the same? He would probably not give a damn thing on Kyungsoo’s works, especially now he is with someone else.

“Thanks for the concern, hyung. I already thought about joining but I want to keep them to myself.” He shyly admits. His head is down, eyes afraid to look at Luhan.

“Are you sure, Soo?” Luhan asks. “I just want your works to be published because you already made a lot of them. I think you’ve been saving those up for quite some time now.”

Kyungsoo gives him a small smile. “Yeah, I guess I saved them up too much.”

_I saved my poems and my feelings for Jongin too much - too much for too long that someone already got him first._

***

Ever since they had become friends, and since Byun Baekhyun cannot keep his mouth shut about Kyungsoo’s little crush, it was a silent agreement between their circle that they had to go, whether they had a choice or not, and support the latter in chasing his dreams aka Kim Jongin.

At first, it was kind of bothersome. 

Jongdae once craved for Kyungsoo’s honey chicken and asked him to cook for him on his birthday. But the food intended for him ended up in a cute lunchbox in Jongin’s locker because according to the younger, “_it ‘s Jongin’s favorite food_.” 

Joonmyeon had to use his special powers as president of the student council to secretly let Kyungsoo in the auditorium wherein the intercollegiate talent show was happening, which has limited audience capacity. It was all for his younger friend to watch Jongin perform with his own eyes.

Minseok also had to pull an all-nighter on one Thursday night since he had to study for his Physics exam. He had all the time actually but one plea from Kyungsoo got him to accompany the younger in watching Jongin’s basketball game.

Baekhyun has his fair share of keeping Kyungsoo company on all of his Jongin adventures. From cutting classes with Kyungsoo in order to watch Jongin dance in a program, getting up early in the morning to help Kyungsoo prepare a doshirak just for him, competing with other girls in cheering for him on his basketball games just for Kyungsoo to stand among the crowd, to helping Kyungsoo organize his true feelings for Jongin - name it, Baekhyun has done it all to help his bestfriend.

But as time goes by, they got used to it. There are times wherein it was them who do the initiative to help (read: embarrass) Kyungsoo with Jongin. It was because whatever makes their precious Kyungsoo happy makes them happy. With Jongin around, Kyungsoo was more energetic and more motivated, which they are glad to see.

And now, after Jongin and Krystal got together, the same goes with the opposite. Seeing Kyungsoo in pain also brings pain to their chests. To see him cry and get hurt because of his pure yet unrequited love for Jongin is enough to break their hearts, too.

Today is not an exception.

Everyone’s eyes are focused either on the players, the ball or the scoreboard but Jongdae, Minseok, Joonmyeon and Baekhyun’s eyes continuously cast on their youngest friend whose gaze lingers on the player with the number 14 on his jersey. They are not used to see Kyungsoo like this. Before, Kyungsoo was enthusiastic whenever they watch Jongin play. He would cheer the loudest among the crowd. Right now, he was just silently watching. No “Go Kim Jongin!”. No shouts. No cheers.

Joonmyeon cannot help but to gently tap the youngest beside him. “Soo, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, hyung.” Kyungsoo answers with a slight smile.

But the older knows he’s not. So Joonmyeon adds, “Do you want to go home?”

The younger shakes his head. “No, Let’s stay. The game will be over soon.”

Without pushing him any longer, they continue to watch the heated game between their school’s Wolves versus JYP University’s Eagles.

A faint _ting _made Joonmyeon look at his phone to see a message from his mom, asking if he will have dinner at home. He is about to answer when he feels a tight grip on his other hand. 

Kyungsoo holds his hand firmly while his face is etched with anxiety and worry. Joonmyeon follows the younger’s eyes and sees Jongin steal the ball from one of their opponents, run towards their goal and shoot the ball on the net.

As if on cue, everyone in the court cheered after Jongin made a point, Joonmyeon included. He then notices the star player whoop in delight before searching the crowd for something or rather for someone - an action which the older is very familiar with.

It is because whenever Jongin scores a point, his eyes tries to catch a sight of Kyungsoo in the crowd as if sharing to his hyung the happiness he felt while playing. In return, Kyungsoo gives either a shy smile or a small wave, which is followed by a series of teasing remarks from their friends especially Baekhyun and Jongdae.

Like before, Jongin still scanned in the crowd as if looking for someone. This time, however, he waves on the opposite side of the bleachers and Joonmyeon catches Krystal, along with her friends, waving her hand back to the player. Smiles evident on both of their faces.

Even though he knows it should not affect him, Joonmyeon cannot help but to feel a bit disappointed because it was supposed to be Kyungsoo who Jongin searches for in the crowd. It should have been Kyungsoo. It has always been Kyungsoo.

And before Joonmyeon comprehends what was happening, the tight grip on his hand is gone and there is now a space beside him which was occupied a few seconds ago. He then finds Kyungsoo exiting the school gym with his bag and most probably, a broken heart, too.

***

“All right. Class dismissed.”

Kyungsoo was about to get up and collect his things just like everybody else does when he hears Mr. Lee calls his name.

“Kyungsoo? Can you stay? I’d like to have a quick word with you.”

He nods before sitting down again. As he watches his classmates exit the door, he can’t help but to think why did Mr. Lee wanted to talk to him. _Did I pass the unrevised version? Maybe I used the wrong font style in the document. Or did Mr. Lee thinks I copied a paragraph from a foreign book without proper citation._

“Kyungsoo, shall we?” Mr. Lee interrupts his thinking.

“Yes, Sir.” Kyungsoo replies with twisted knots on his stomach.

The teacher clears his throat before pulling out a bunch of papers from a folder, which Kyungsoo recognizes as the recently revised version of the chapters 1 and 2 of his thesis. “Just so you know, Kyungsoo, your first two chapters are really impressive. I really like how you emphasize your topic, especially on your conceptual framework. I didn’t find it hard to correct.” Mr. Lee says, proud eminent on his voice.

Kyungsoo bows his head in gratitude. “Thank you, Sir.”

“However,” the teacher then flips Kyungsoo’s paper on the latter part. “The last parts of it is somehow a bit weird.”

“Why do you say so, Sir?” Kyungsoo nervously asks.

Mr. Lee shows him his paper. “Your first few reviews of related literature are very thorough and critical, which is very good. But as I continue to read, I noticed that your presentation of facts and word choice are kind of getting weak.”

Embarrassment fills Kyungsoo’s system. He knows what Mr. Lee is talking about because the second part of his chapter 2 was written after he finds out about Jongin and Krystal. That explains the lame quality of the rest of his chapter 2.

“I’m sorry, Sir.” He bows his head in apology for his carelessness.

“Oh no, Kyungsoo. It’s okay. I didn’t mean to offend you.” The teacher quickly says to assure his student, making Kyungsoo raise his head to listen again. “I’m just informing you so you can revise them. And if you continue on working on your paper very well, there is a chance that it can be nominated as the best thesis on your batch.”

Kyungsoo can feel his heart swell in hope. He really is aiming to hopefully get that title and thanks to his Mr. Lee’s help, he is on his way to it. “Thank you very much, Sir. I will definitely work hard. I’m sorry for my chapter 2.”

Mr. Lee smiles. “You’re welcome, Kyungsoo. And don’t worry about that chapter 2 of yours. You can send the revised to me next week. I assume you were kinda tired or sleepy when you wrote that. And I hope that’s not my fault!” The teacher jokes, making Kyungsoo laugh a little - laugh a little and hurt more, to be exact.

_No, Mr. Lee. I wasn’t tired nor sleepy. I was in pain. And it definitely wasn’t your fault. I don’t know if it is Jongin’s but I am sure that it is mine._

_***_

After his small talk with Mr. Lee, Kyungsoo contemplates on what he had done. He cannot help but to feel ashamed not for letting his broken state take over him.

As usual. he stops by his locker before going home. When he opens its door, his eyes trail on the pictures he pasted on it for a quick dose of motivation: their family picture during their Seollal dinner, his grandparents’ picture on their recent trip in Seoul, a polaroid shot of him, Jongdae, Minseok, Joonmyeon and Baekhyun when they came to Gwangjang market to eat, and of course, a printed selca of him and Jongin during their birthday celebration last year. On the photo, Kyungsoo looked ridiculous as his cheeks were squished by Jongin’s hand while the latter has a big grin on his face.

He brushes his fingertips on the photo as memories and emotions slowly fill him. 

_“You can do it, hyung. I believe in you.”_

Jongin’s words echoes his mind. Kyungsoo remembers hearing those words from the younger when he was about to enroll the thesis writing class, scared and nervous as hell. His mind used to be filled with negative thoughts when Jongin came and wrapped a comforting arm on his shoulder, uttering those words on his ear, making all his fear go away in an instant.

If Jongin knows what is happening to him right now - losing his focus in studying, neglecting his thesis, getting tired of working hard just because of a heartache that was his fault in the first place, the younger would not like it. Jongin would be the most disappointed on him.

Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo shuts his locker door, courage and determination following his trail, ready to win over his thesis and his broken heart.

So for the next few months, Kyungsoo worked really hard on his paper. His new companion is his thesis. His new hangout is either the library or the coffee shop across their school. His new expenses include coffee, photocopied pages of books, library rental fees, bus fares and energy drinks.

His main focus was his thesis that he had to sacrifice some of his time for his parents and his friends. They all, in return, understood and supported him in their own little ways, knowing Kyungsoo’s goal in finishing his thesis. Mrs. Do never interrupted his study time, only calling him when it is time to eat. Mr. Do gave him extra money for his expenses without any say. Joonmyeon and Baekhyun, even Jongdae and Minseok, took turns in accompanying him when he stays in the library. 

Kyungsoo was so focused that there was no more room for distractions. 

No more caramel skin, plump lips and adorable laugh. No more Kim Jongin.

_I’m sorry, Jongin. I love you but I had to choose myself, too._

***

As the bell rings, the juniors scrambled to their feet and head towards the bulletin board. It was their day of judgment - the list of those who passed thesis writing classes is finally released. 

But unlike his classmates, Kyungsoo takes his time to leave the classroom. He feels like throwing up because of the sickening feeling of nervousness on his stomach. He does not want to look yet on the list because if he does not see his name on those who passed, he might just lose it and break down. He already got his heart totally broken by Jongin once so it would be too much if he would experience it again with his thesis this time.

“Soo!”

Baekhyun’s call made him whip his head to see the older along with Joonmyeon and Jongdae standing by the door, waiting for him.

“What the heck are you still doing there? Let’s go see the results!” Baekhyun excitingly says, beckoning Kyungsoo to hurry up.

“Yeah, Soo. You’re the only one left here.” Jongdae adds with an encouraging smile.

Kyungsoo then straps his backpack on his shoulders and takes Baekhyun’s outstretched hand. He squeezes the older’s hand as he whispers. “I’m so nervous, Baek.”

Baekhyun pats his head in assurance. “Don’t be, Soo. I’m a hundred percent sure you passed and even aced your thesis. We’re here for you.”

The younger then smiles, grateful for his friends to be on his side.

As they approach the bulletin board, Kyungsoo feels a little relief to see that not many people are there. He then uses his last chance - he gives his friends a puppy look, a sign that he cannot bear to look on the announcement. Joonmyeon shakes his head no before gently pushing him to see it for himself.

He stares on the paper posted before taking a deep breath he is holding since the day started. He points his fingers on the list to see if his name is included on those who passed.

_Song Minho._

_Lee Taemin._

_Park Sunyoung._

_Mark Tuan._

_Jung Daehyun._

_Pyo Jihoon._

_Most of my classmates are here. Why can’t I find my name?_

As panic slowly creeps in Kyungsoo’s insides, his eyes shift from the first paper posted to the other. It holds the names of the authors of the thesis papers with distinction, which were chosen by the thesis committee. They were the ones who exceptionally wrote and defended their papers throughout the school year.

_Just maybe..._

The bronze medal goes to Min Yoongi and the silver to Yoon Bomi.

And the gold belongs to him, Do Kyungsoo.

That is why his name was not included on those passed along with his other classmates because he did not just passed thesis writing but excelled in it, too. Kyungsoo just won the Thesis of the Year award.

_No way._

Kyungsoo cannot process what’s happening but as Baekhyun lets out loud hollers that echo across the hallway, Jongdae repeatedly jumps in joy, Minseok holds his hand firmly and Joonmyeon immediately hugs him, he finally understands that this is real - that his thesis was awarded as the best among all of the juniors.

“Soo! I knew you’d do great!” Baekhyun exclaims when he finally got to hug Kyungsoo.

“All those sleepless nights and sacrifices finally paid off!” Jongdae adds before complaining. “Hey, let me hug Kyungsoo too!”

Baekhyun just sticks his tongue out and tightens his hold on Kyungsoo, to which the younger does not complain with. He likes to be held by his bestfriend.

“Kyungsoo,” Joonmyeon calls. “Any plans for tonight? Where do you want to go?”

The younger just shrugs. “I don’t know, hyung.”

“We should definitely grab some beer!” Jongdae happily suggests.

“Or maybe some hanwoo. It’s been a while since we last spent some money on beef.” Minseok states.

Kyungsoo was still contemplating. Everything that the others suggested is great so Baekhyun, whose arms are still wrapped around him, says to him with a smile. “Anywhere you want, Soo. This celebration is for you.”

He is about to agree with Minseok’s idea of eating hanwoo when a voice calls his name. “Kyungsoo hyung!”

A voice that everyone was not expecting to hear.

A voice that belongs to the person whom Kyungsoo miss the most.

As much as he is scared to death to face him, he shifts from Baekhyun’s grasp and turns his head to see Jongin walking down the hallway, clad in a varsity jacket, his hair floppy, a bright smile etched on his face. 

_He probably just finished showering from practice. He looks so beautiful_.

His time to admire Jongin’s beauty from afar is cut short as he also sees Krystal, hot on his bestfriend’s heels.

Too confused, too stunned, too frozen, Kyungsoo stumbles as he is suddenly engulfed into a tight hug by no other than Jongin himself.

“Hyung, I heard the news! I’m so proud of you!”

Still in a state of shock, Kyungsoo can only mutter a soft “Thanks, Jongin.”

His arms are limp against his sides but he can smell Jongin’s comforting scent and before he can linger on the tan male’s familiar warmth, Jongin releases him from the hug. “Hyung, I’m gonna call mom. I can’t wait to tell her!” 

Kyungsoo can only watch Jongin retrieve his phone from his jacket pocket and call his mother to inform her the good news while holding his hand firmly. As the younger phones Mrs. Kim, Kyungsoo takes his time to process everything.

“Mom! I have good news for you. Kyungsoo hyung won the Thesis of the Year award!”

He can hear the excitement in Jongin’s voice.

He can notice the jumpy movements Jongin is making.

He can feel the grip of Jongin’s hand on his.

But the thing that swept Kyungsoo off of his feet is he catches Jongin’s gaze at him. As the tan male locks eyes with him, he can clearly see what he was missing.

Ever since Jongin started dating Krystal, Kyungsoo’s world came crashing down into pieces, which led him to fall into a pit of self isolation. He avoided Jongin to save his heart from further pain. He distanced himself from everything that reminded him of Jongin.

Kyungsoo was too broken to see, too angry to realize, too devastated to understand that one, he cannot live without Jongin, amidst the hate and pain he felt. And he feels so sorry for the younger, knowing that he does not deserve every negative thing Kyungsoo felt towards him.

After everything that happened, Kyungsoo still loves Jongin so much, even though he knows the younger would not and will never be able to return his feelings.

Jongin’s voice cut him out of his reverie. “Hyung, Mom said you should come over.”

“Uh, I don’t know, Jongin.” Kyungsoo tries to reason out. Heaven knows he badly wants to take the younger’s offer. He misses Mrs. Kim’s cooking and Jongin’s dogs. 

The only thing that is holding him back is, “I don’t want to bother you two.” Kyungsoo whispers, eyes cast down, too embarrassed to look at Jongin and Krystal. He means what he says. He can just go with Baekhyun and his friends.

Except Jongin had other plans. “Come on, hyung. You’re not a bother!” The younger insists with a pout. “Let’s go to my house, please.”

And much to Kyungsoo’s surprise, Krystal seconds the motion. “You can have the rest of the day with Jongin, Kyungsoo oppa. It’s your day today.” She then reaches out and shakes his hand. “And of course, congratulations, Kyungsoo oppa. You’re really amazing.”

Kyungsoo faces her and tries to look for any sign of falsity in her eyes and from her words but Krystal gives him a small but sincere smile, making his assumptions wrong and his heart whole. So he nods, shakes her hand back and says with an equally genuine smile. “Thank you so much.” 

Her smile broadens. “You should really go and celebrate with Jongin, Oppa. He cleared this day for you.”

“You did?” Stunned, Kyungsoo turns to Jongin.

“You won the Thesis of the Year award, hyung. I wanted to celebrate with you.” Jongin just shrugs as if it’s not a big deal. 

But to Kyungsoo, it _is_ a big deal.

For the second time around, he feels a sense of realization.

Kyungsoo was again too broken to see, too angry to realize, too devastated to understand that as much as he cannot live without the younger, Jongin cannot live without him either.

_What if it was me?_

_What if I was in her place?_

_What if I was the one who is holding your hand, hugging you, kissing you?_

_What if I was the one who is looking at your eyes with so much love?_

_What if it were my eyes which you are staring back at?_

He was too busy finding his place on Jongin’s life that he forgot that he already had one before anyone else did.

Even after getting himself a girlfriend, Kyungsoo knows that Jongin still and will always cherish him in his own little ways. Like where Jongin is now - he chooses to spend time and celebrate with him, after being aware of his recent milestone.

With all the contrasts finally connecting like puzzle pieces - his endless hardwork in the past few months and now, his recent achievement for winning the Thesis of the Year award as well as the unbearable heartbreak with Jongin and now, his realizations, tears pool in Kyungsoo’s eyes. He is overwhelmed with various emotions that he does not know which he has to really dwell on.

He wants to reach out for Jongin just like he always does whenever everything seems to be difficult but before he can even say anything, Jongin envelops him in warm and tight hug, as if the younger read his mind. And just like old times, he sobs on Jongin’s shoulder without holding back. He fists his hand on Jongin’s shirt and lets both his heavy and happy tears fall.

“Shhh, hyung. It’s okay.” He hears Jongin’s voice soothing him and feels Jongin’s hand patting his back gently.

“I just can’t believe it.” Kyungsoo says, his voice muffled by his sobs.

_Can't believe I finished my thesis with flying colors. _ _Can't believe I still love you in spite of everything._

Jongin just holds him close. “Well, sorry to break to you, hyung. It’s real. And I’m not surprised at all. I knew you could do it because I believe in you. I always believe in you, Kyungsoo hyung.”

Hearing those words again from Jongin made Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat. He misses Jongin. He misses the latter's warmth. But as much as he wants to cherish the younger’s comforting presence, he lets go of his grip and embarrassingly faces Jongin, who is just giving him a big smile. He shyly takes his handkerchief and wipes his tears away.

His mind then drifts to the day he was about to confess to Jongin but was bombarded first by the news of the younger is finally dating Krystal. Right then and there, Kyungsoo takes a minute or two to notice that where they are at the moment is the very same scenario they were all in.

Again, Kyungsoo is in the hallway.

Again, Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s “Kyungsoo hyung!”.

Again, Jongin is looking for him with Krystal beside him.

Again, Kyungsoo is surprised to see them together.

Again, Jongin is wearing the same cheery expression.

Again, Krystal is still sporting the happy look.

Except this time, there are quite a few changes.

Today, it is Kyungsoo who received all of the praises.

Today, it is Krystal who congratulated him.

Today, it is Jongin who is truly happy for him.

And today, Kyungsoo’s eyes are no longer full of glassy tears and bitter gazes. They are not lost like before. No more hurt, angry, jealous and sorry eyes.

His eyes lock with Jongin and Jongin’s with him, an unexplainable yet familiar kind of fondness in between. He feels a connection which he is happy to dwell on that in spite of it being different from what Jongin has for someone else, it _is_ special - special to him, special to Jongin, exclusive for only the two of them.

And that for Kyungsoo is more than enough.


End file.
